The Blog of ahouston

He called me again today!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The second call this week, the third alltogether.  What a wonderful surprise.  We got to talk for about 45 minutes.  It brought back wonderful memories of when we used to talk back when we were kids and he was in the corps.  He was chuckling and smiling, what a wonderful thing to hear.  I know that there is love there and our feelings for each other are growing with each passing day, but there is a part of me that is scared.  I keep thinking, is this really happening, the man of my dreams is now a daily part of my life and love is growing between us?  And the other part of me thinks am I just a really good friend who he is relying on to get through this difficult time?  I would imagine that both are true to some extent.  I have a lot of hope for the future and faith, but also know that he can't make any promises right now.  He is in danger everyday and there are no guarantees.  The other day when I opened up to him about some personal things, he replied with an email where he said that he loves me for who I am.  Did he mean that he "loves" me???  One of my friends at work said, wake up dummy, yes this guy is in love with you.  I want to believe that so badly.  After MM's truck was blown up the other day, I realized just how incredibly fragile this whole thing is and life in general.  I know it's a risk but I am going to be more open and honest about my feelings and make sure that he knows that he is loved and supported.  What an amazing experience.  My them song in life is "Bless the Broken Road", I feel it and believe it now more than ever.

The MRAP that MM named after me was destroyed yesterday in an IED attack.  They will be getting another one soon and will christen it with my name again.  She did her job and protected the crew and they all walked away Thank GOD!  He called me yesterday morning and I was so glad that I was able to talk to him before it happened.  I am seizing the day!  I am going to be more open and honest about my feelings, this put into perspective how dangerous his job is and how precious and fragile life is.  This is the second explosion that I know about, I am sure there have been more.  Life is too short.  I am going to take every chance I can to let him know how I feel.  12 and a half months to go . . .

It's been an emotional roller coaster ride with my best friend the last two days. I have been stubborn, emotional and unbending and almost pushed him too far.  He came over today and right before he left he showed me the emails he sent to the girl at work he is interested in.  Why I thought it would help me get closure I am not sure, reading them was a stupid thing to do.  I got upset, he could tell and then he left.  We started iming each other when he got home, we both continued being upset, he really kicked it up a notch and everything I said just made it worse.  The argument was wicked, and very upsetting.  The way he left it made me think that I had lost him for good.  I tried to call and left these hysterical messages just bawling my eyes out uncontrollably.  Then I tried email but no responses.  He picked up my messages finally and then started frantically calling and texting me.  I took some extra meds to calm myself down and then called him back.  He was calm by this time and very worried about me, about ready to send the police over to check on me.  He said the friendship isn't over that he just was trying to get my attention and wanted me to get control of my emotions.  I can't believe I got so close to totally losing it.  It's a reminder of how close to the edge I always am, and why I need to still take my meds.  Freaking scared the hell out of both of us.  He is such a huge part of my life and I cannot bear the thought of losing him.  I feel like an idiot for losing it, but thank god he still accepts me the way I am, warts and all.

So I have had a rather bizarre relationship for the past three months with my best friend who happens to be a man.  We have been intimate, spend most of our free time together and know each other's deepest secrets.  Now he really wants to try and pursue a relationship with someone who we both work with.  Yes of course that means that I am involved with someone that I work with as well, I know, stupid thing to do.  So all along we promised each other that if the other person was interested in someone else that we would be honest and tell the other person.  There is a woman at work who he is interested in and stupidly I played go between and helped them smooth over a misunderstanding from this last week. Now my feelings are hurt and I think our relationship will never recover.  He is holding back from pursuing something with her because of my feelings.  It makes me feel like hell when I am good enough for physical and emotional intimacy but yet not good enough to fall in love with.  I can't blame him, I thought I could control my feelings. We went to the Rascal Flatts concert last night and he spent the whole time with his arms wrapped around me swaying to the music.  It was special and felt very good to be held.  It's hard to have a man hold me like that, kiss me on the neck and then the next day say that if we took it a step further that he would feel too vulnerable.  I don't understand.  To me, that means that he doesn't trust me with his feelings.  Aren't we already really involved in a relationship.  How would admitting his feelings about me change the relationship, wouldn't it just make things stronger and better?

Help!  Maybe a man's perspective would help me understand what he is trying to say.  And yes this must seem very confusing to anyone who has read my previous blogs about the other man in my life that I am communicating with who is deployed right now.  But that is a dream relationship, something that may never happen.  He is a man I fell in love with 22 years ago and let go.  He is currently deployed to the Middle East and won't be home for 13 months.  I haven't seen him in 21 years and have no idea if he will ever be able to return my feelings for him.  So yes my feelings for these two amazing and very different men are very confusing right now.  I love both of them in very different ways and for very different reasons.  I think I just want one of them to reciprocate my feelings and then this would be easier.  Right now I feel like I am not enough for either one of them.

So my cell phone rang at 300 and I was really pissed.  Unknown phone number and of course the time of day.  I didn't answer because I don't answer unknown calls especially in the middle of the night. Well since I was awake I got online, checked email and MM had sent me a message, I replied and talked to my mom who also couldn't sleep.  I decided to look up the number online and found one message that said this phone number was from soldiers deployed in Iraq.  Dammit, that means it could have been him!  I laid down again about 430 and then 445 phone rang again.  I took the chance and answered this time.  It was him!!!!!!!!  I can't believe I just got to talk to him in person!  He said that he just wanted to thank me for everything in person, that I was worth it.  Yippee!  He made my day!  What a wonderful surprise.  Yesterday I got a picture CD and today this, what a man, what a man!!

I love this man.

I'm feeling much better, not really because my life has improved and all problems are solved, but it's just a new day and I am trying to take things one day and one step at a time.

I had wonderful email messages from MM today.  He has some big surprise planned for me, have no clue what it is.  Hopefully it's a plane ticket for him to come see me, or a date for r-n-r.  Who knows, it doesn't matter what it is just that he came up with it.  In his messages he seemed genuinely happy, even giddy, which was so wonderful.  The best thing he said was that he could feel my support all the way in Iraq.  Wow, I was overwhelmed.  There is a connection there that is slowly putting little patches on the wounds in my heart.   I can feel a bond and love growing between us even from so far away.  I am optimistic about the future for the first time in a long time.  This man is just amazing, giving of himself to me even while deployed.  I am impressed and honored.  If I had to go through the difficulties in my life to know true happiness, it was all worth it.  He is worth it.  Love is worth it.

Everything is getting more difficult and overwhelming to me.  It has nothing to do with him, the communication has been great.  It's everything else.  I truly don't know how I am going to keep on.  My finances are in ruin from difficulties over the last 10 years, I have neglected my health, have thousands and thousands of dollars of work that needs to be done at the dentist.  I feel like a total failure, like my life will never have a purpose and that things won't improve.  I have to hang in there for my son, he somehow sees good in me, but honestly today I feel like giving up.  That somehow everyone would be better off if I wasn't here.

He made my day!!  So I spent the last 4 and a half days worried and making myself sick.  Well it was worth the wait for the most wonderful message I got today!  He got the care packages and even the package with the book, card and pillowcase.  He had been using a tshirt for a pillowcase so it was the perfect surprise for him.  He said it had a wonderful smell and was just right.  I was so happy.  It was the first message from him where he sounded truly happy.  The best news of all . . . to honor me he named his truck after me!!!!  It's a military tradition to name a vessel/vehicle after a woman so his "mrap" now bears my name.  He wants me to send him a picture that he can put in there and properly christen it!  I think his soldiers know too, they are all calling her "angela".  Ah this is the best day ever!!  I knew I was right to keep holding on and trusting in faith and hope.

Sharky I love you . . . when you look at the moon tonight or the sun tomorrow know that I am looking at the same one and that we will be together again someday soon.  You make me proud to know you and inspire me to be a better person.

I can't take it today.  Most days I can take not hearing from him, I stay busy at work or am doing other things.  Since it's the weekend and I'm alone, it is unbearable.  My mind is going to the worst places it possibly can.  The what if's are overwhelming me today.  I know that reality is probably not as bad as what's going through my head, maybe he's been gone on a mission or the internet is down, but how am I supposed to know.  The last resot, the mail, has come and gone with nothing from him.  Now more waiting.  The worst thing I am thinking is, if something has happened to him, how would I know. Unless it made national news, there would be no one who would know that I should be contacted, or how to do so.  Someone should know, I want to shout it from the top of a mountain, that I am home waiting for him and communicating everyday, loving him from afar with all my being.  Why does it have to be so hard and so painful? A week ago all I wanted was for a little more encouragement from him, just confirming that I mean a lot to him and he wants to see me again. Today I would take any form of communication, smoke signals, anything, please!!  Did you get mail this week, did you get the packages, did the cookies make it there in one piece, ANYTHING!!  I know at the end of this nightmare I will be grateful for the relationship and love that has been building between us and it will be better than anything I have imagined.  In the meantime, I want a time machine, or a miracle to part the miles and make the pain stop.

This whole experience with him is like having schizophrenia or being on a roller coaster.  Not hearing from him, then getting a short little note, gggggrrrrr, frustrating!  We had such great communication going for a few months before he left.  Now I cling to every little scrap I get.  Today I felt really strong, driving down the highway with the sun streaming in and my hair blowing in the wind, I felt great.  Other days I feel like the loneliest person on the planet and can't stop crying.  Sometimes the lack of communication feels good because then I don't have to feel anything, I can stay numb and pretend that half my heart isn't halfway across the world.  I long for him to return my feelings and just to tell me what I want to hear.  But he can't do that right now.  I have never been a patient person, maybe this experience is teaching me to be patient and to learn how to wait on the good things in life.  If he is half the man he has presented himself to be to me so far, it will all be worth it and we will have the most amazing love I could have ever dreamed or hoped for in my lifetime.  I'm thinking of you sharky, I love you and can't wait until I see you.

I heard from him today, which is always a welcome relief.  He will be going to Sadir City in Iraq.  The worst place he could possibly go.  He sounds down and scared.  I sent him a reply message of support, but I am crushed.

Being new to the military life and new to these experiences with the soldier that I love, I have no idea how I am going to make it through this deployment.  My newest bad habit is sleeping with my laptop on my nightstand just in case he sends me an email during the night.  I don't want to miss a thing.  I have reread his last email probably 100 times.  The sentence "I have been thinking of you as well" stays with me and gets me through everyday.  I feel guilty sometimes looking for advice online and in books, I am not his girlfriend yet, although I believe I will be soon.  But yet I am part of this deployment experience just as if I was a wife, official girlfriend or fiance.  I haven't even seen him in 21 years, and I still don't really know his feelings for me.  I believe with all my heart that God reunited us and that this is the love of a lifetime that is meant to be.  When will he realize this, or what if he never does?  Please God heal his heart, and speak to him, let him know that he deserves this kind of love and that it is really possible to have all your dreams come true.  Right now I feel like I am carrying the hope and faith for both of us, and that's ok.  I suppose it's also ok if he isn't able to share my feelings right now, I didn't tell him my feelings for any other reason than to let him know that I love and support him.  No regrets.  God forbid something happen and I wouldn't have had the chance to tell him the truth.  I am beginning to heal from my regrets though from the past.  Had we both not gone through the things in life we have, who knows, maybe we can appreciate each other and treat each other better than we ever would have if we had gotten married when we were kids.  Dear God, I know this is the man that you picked out for me so many years ago and there are so many things that you have put in place in order to enable me to appreciate what a truly extraordinary man he is.  Please give him the courage to open his heart to your plans and me the courage and patience to wait on him and your timing.  Thank you for putting his story online and then giving me the insight to look him up.  Everything in my life has prepared me for his love and led me straight to him.  Thank you for bringing him back into my life and allowing us to share and care for one another as we both struggle with things going on in our lives.  Please keep him in your loving care so that one day I will be able to wrap my arms around him, look into his eyes and once again tell him I love him.  Give our love one more chance.  Let us have the opportunity to be truly happy and experience true love.  I have faith that you want wonderful things for the both of us.  Give us both the strength to endure.